Shirley MacLaine Saved My Life
Hope is consumed by the future. Despair is powered by the past. Neither hope nor despair is actually present. Life happens now. Both hope and despair in the extreme destroy one’s ability to function in the moment. In January of 1987, my life was shutting down by despair regarding my past and hopelessness regarding my future.
After learning about a former lover’s suicide, my life became increasingly bleak. I quit my job. I threw out my belongings. I terminated my apartment lease. I packed a few items in an Army Surplus duffle bag and bought a one-way plane ticket to Key West, Florida. I made a clear plan to commit suicide far away from my past.
Subconsciously, I wanted help. With many friends in my adult peer group in various stages of death and dying due to the AIDS plague, I had no friends to turn to. I decided to visit my parents for two weeks before getting on the one-way plane ride to oblivion. I felt an obligation to say “goodbye” and retained an undying hope that I would finally be able to connect with them on an emotional level.
In my childhood home on China Lake in Maine, I saw that nothing had changed. My parents continued their negative banter. They even seemed unaware of my presence in the house. When I mentioned that I was moving to Florida “for good”, my mother Ruth responded with her typical reply to any decision I made in…
